i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
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Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
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She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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