Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
