i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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