yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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