why im i the only drunk person in the library?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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