I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
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He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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