In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
