When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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