Got a toothbrush?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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