I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize