you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
