i just sent this text using only my big toe
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
