what if every blade of grass was a penis?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
