Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
