Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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