I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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