sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
