I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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