He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
