woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
