At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
