im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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