Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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