Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
