I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
