Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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