And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
