I'll bet she douches with gravy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
