my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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