Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
