it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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