I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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