ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
