I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
