Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
