This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
