so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
