can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You are a genius and a whore.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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