I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
