I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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