It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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