just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
