i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
