I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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