my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize