Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
