My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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