When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
