I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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