i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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