final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
What a dumb baby whore.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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