he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
