I can text with my tongue
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
