I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Of course I have a pirate flag
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
