One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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