Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
